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AdvancedEurovision - first semi-final last night
Well, last night things kicked off in grand style, with arty paint-throwing titles, dancers painted red and blue, a kids’ choir and a New Orleans-style band. And of course the hosts – or ‘the Will and Grace waxworks’ as I came to call them. Thank heavens Paddy O’Connell’s commentary covered most of their shouting. The set looks disconcertingly like a giant tongue-scraper.
First to sing was Montenegro – a soft-rock blokey singer who looked like he worked down the chippy, backed by leather-clad lovelies with red gloves. Oh look, his t-shirt has red handprints on it. Hmmm. He looked a bit like Neil Morrisey, but this was Men Behaving Blandly.
Israel: we had a Pop Idol winner and a song by the glamorous Dana International – and still it bored me rigid. Some half-hearted hopping around broke out at one point, in no discernible rhythm.
Estonia: ah, the first loony entry. Three middle aged men appeared to be doing ‘Is This The Way To Tallin’, complete with an exploding accordion, pictures of turnips, and girls waving sun-shaped hoops. Apparently one of them is an MP and another hosts Estonia’s ‘Millionaire’. Don’t give up the day jobs, guys.
Moldova: woman in a big purple dress stood on a sofa and threw a teddy bear at a trumpeter. Don’t know why, he was miles better than her. The song was sub-Bacharach snooze-jazz, and the visuals were more suited to a DFS advert.
San Marino: their first ever entry, prompting us all to scurry to our atlases and look up where the heck they are. A bloke with spiky hair sang a drab power ballad, while a shampoo-ad blonde wafted around in a floaty dress. Yawn.
Belgium: OK, this is different. A woman dressed in a big red and white striped dress (someone described it as ‘a giant Campino sweet’) singing in a made-up language. This could have been an entry 50 years ago. Quirky, sweet little folk tune, backed by proper instruments. I’d love to see them busk in Covent Garden.
Azerbaijan: another first-timer, but they seem to have done their homework and gone for all-out camp. A guy with a falsetto rock-scream dressed as an angel (looking, as someone said, rather like Philip Schofield); another guy who looked like Jonathan Ross, dressed as a devil, pouring cups of ‘blood’ over his scantily-clad cohorts. A bit like Paradise Lost staged at Madame JoJo’s.
Slovenia: Geri Haliwell clone in a cage, backed by the Zovirax Twins – women in black helmets with chains. She breaks out (boo!) and the Twins skate around the stage on their wheely-boots.
Norway: a husky-voiced blonde backed by three clones of her, and two sad guys. The tune is vaguely catchy, but the lyrics – something about ‘love can be hard sometimes, catch you off guard like bad crimes’. Eek.
Poland: a woman called Isis Gee, looking like a mermaid and singing like a Polish Jane Macdonald. Another Pop Idol winner, and the song was your typical dull Pop Idol ballad. And my goodness, doesn’t she have big teeth?
Ireland: ah, Dustin the Turkey. Seemed like such a good idea – spoofing the recent entries with their athletic staging, and having a laugh at yourself. Sadly the routine was a bit of a mess, and most of the lyrics were inaudible to me, so goodness knows what non-English speakers made of it.
Andorra: yay, a proper song! A frizzy-haired blonde in a brass breastplate sang ‘Oh Casanova’. Sounds like something Steps forgot to sing. I can see drag acts all over Europe learning the lyrics already.
More to follow …
Bosnia & Herzegovina: seriously bonkers. A boy and girl looking like creepy toys come to life, who shouted lyrics (something about bananas, apparently) and ran around a washing line. Meanwhile four brides looked on and did their knitting. As you do.
Armenia: it’s about time we had some ethnic wailing. This girl was Shakira-lite, occasionally singing off-key for that authentic folky sound. The three energetic lads doing back-flips around her were a lot more interesting.
Netherlands: a woman who calls herself ‘Hind’ is bound to be the butt of jokes … but at least I can understand what she’s singing for a change. The song is a vaguely Israeli take on ‘La Vida Loca’, and they seem to like it in the hall.
Finland: they’ve gone back to what they love – heavy rock with loud guitars, screaming vocalists and plenty of big guys in furry shoulder pads, hitting drums and shouting ‘Hoo! Ha!’ They should have raided Lordi’s wardrobe, though, if they really wanted to turn things up to 11.
Russia: an anguished barefoot guy in white kneels and sings something which sounds alarmingly like Cat Stevens’ ‘Wild World’. Is that Danny Amatullo from ‘Fame’ on the violin? And then they are joined by an ice skater – apparently the world champion – who drifts artily round the smallest patch of ice he’s ever worked on.
Greece: last of the night, she makes her entrance sitting on a silver pole held by three over-enthused dancers, who proceed to do acrobatics around her. At one point they even do the nutty walk, for some reason. There’s the obligatory costume change half-way through, and a big pop-up heart made of flowers. The song is about ‘my secret combination’, but after the costume change, it’s more like ‘sequinned combinations’ if you ask me.
A tennis player came on to sing a little song with the host and open the voting. After which we skip the interval act while our presenters show us the delights of Belgrade. Then it’s back to Will’n’Grace in the hall, and a quick peek at what Grace calls the ‘groon room’. Some previews of Thursday and Saturday – and I have to say, it seems some of the classic loony entries are still to come. The Latvian pirates are a must-see.
And so to the results. Ireland fail to get through, as do Estonia, thank heavens. The ten going to the final are:
Greece
Romania
Bosnia & Herzegovina
Finland
Russia
Israel
Azerbaijan
Armenia
Poland
Norway
Second semi-final on Thursday!
Thanks Gill - your annual summaries make me smile every year!!
I heard that they’ve done something to the scoring to ensure less unfair political voting - is this just for the semis?
‘All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.’
Yes, they’ve split up some notorious best mates into the 2 semis. So Cyprus couldn’t vote for Greece last night.
But everyone can vote on Saturday, and I’m sure we’ll see the usual alliances in evidence!
Nobody likes the UK, so we don’t have much hope, I’m afraid.
Gill - this made me laugh!!!! Thanks
lets hope the estonian mp does n’t suffer the same fate as George Gallaway - who did the most stupid thing any politician could do and joined celebrity big brother!!! I recall it didn’t do much for his political career!!
I was out last night, and therefore these random jottings were penned in the early hours while watching the recording. Never mind, coherence is optional with Eurovision.
Tonight’s opening act is even weirder than last time. A winged centaur in a tail suit presides over a Cirque du Soleil style parade of weirdness. And now the hosts are back, still shouting, and throwing apples for some reason. And on to …
Iceland: boy and girl duo, all eager smiles and big gestures, sing a clubby little Eurocheese song. Gosh, aren’t they wholesome?
Sweden: Charlotte is a previous winner. Even then, she looked like a cat. A few years and a lot of Botox later, the effect is even more pronounced. She’s dressed in silver and sings a Gillette-ad number called ‘Hero’. All the singers hold a mike in one hand and do elaborately choreographed gestures with the other, rather like a synchronised swimming routine.
Turkey: a glowering chap in black sings an angsty guitar song. The other two guitarists jump around in a frenzy, but the lead singer remains ice-cool and occasionally raises an eyebrow.
Ukraine: another disco song, another silver dress. The boys contort in front of a light-box, which the singer later climbs on. The boys stop shaking their stuff long enough to help her down.
Lithuania: an earnest young guy with long black hair wails a sub-Lloyd-Webber number called ‘Nomads in the Night’. Those tight leather trousers might be responsible for his anguished expressions.
Albania: she’s 16, with a big voice, a ridiculous jacket and a forgettable power ballad. She looks a bit like Charlotte Church in her pre-alcopop days.
Switzerland: a piano ballad sung in Italian by an off-duty waiter. Then the tempo goes up, and the girls show off their one silver sparkly glove and their elaborately sculpted hair. This reminds me of the opening number from an 80s variety show.
Czech Republic: more silver outfits, this time worn by a Spice Girls-esque group in front of a big ol’ silver heart with wings. There’s a DJ in a silver hoodie who is probably their minder. Flames keep erupting from the stage, probably to keep our interest. Doesn’t work.
Belarus: more black leather, more silver dresses, more 80s uptempo nonsense. Hasta la vista, baby, goes the chorus. I don’t think they’ll be back, though. Not till he learns to sing in tune, anyway.
Part 2 follows …
Latvia: hooray, something different. Here come the campest pirates since Johnny Depp discovered mascara. They swashbuckle around singing about ‘hi hi ho’ and ‘jolly rogers’, and being ‘wolves of the sea’. The song is vintage Boney M. Thank goodness the Latvians understand the sheer daftness of Eurovision. (Remember ‘We Are The Winners’? Yep, that was them too.) Look out for this song in your local production of Peter Pan this Christmas.
Croatia: a bunch of senior citizens dressed in sharp suits and Panama hats. One guy is apparently 75 years old, and rejoices in the nickname of ‘75 cents’. They play a hot little tango number involving a double bass. A girl in red dances frenetically, trying to attract their attention. Eventually she plays a row of bottles, they get a gramophone going and it’s all very weird and wonderful.
Bulgaria: a breakdancer, a woman in a huge red dress with the front cut out to show her red stockings, and a couple of DJs who set fire to their decks. Her stockings hold up better than the song. She keeps singing ‘DJ please take me away’, and fortunately he eventually does.
Denmark: he’s dressed like an ‘Oliver’ contestant but 10 years too old. The song is called ‘All Night Long’ and is a chirpy singalong ditty, with a hook Mika would be proud of. There’s whistling, a feelgood key change, and the crowd are loving it.
Georgia: a woman in shades with a big black dress made seemingly of bin-liners. The black-clad dancers play musical statues behind her. There’s a foot-stomping chorus of ‘peace will come’. Then suddenly a big white sheet is pulled over them all, and they emerge a few seconds later in white outfits. She’s clutching a big black cross, presumably to ward off vampires.
Hungary: her skirt evidently caught in the shredder, which is more interesting than her Celine-style ballad or the Westlife clones behind her.
Malta: there’s a Russian theme here for no good reason, with a female singer calling repeatedly for vodka, and a group of dancing spies behind her, who look more like supermarket security guards.
Cyprus: a woman in a silver cake-case, which then reveals a dayglo orange dress. The men break out Pulp Fiction guitars, she climbs onto a table and it’s all very 60s.
FYR Macedonia: imagine your embarrassing cousins at a Butlins talent show. A guy does the splits upside down, which is probably less painful than the singing.
Portugal: if they had Valkyries in Portugal, this lady would lead them. She’s dressed in a black and gold tent, and backed by singers in floaty white outfits. They all join hands and sway to the chorus, while battling with a wind machine.
And now the hosts bring out the first ever Eurovision winner. Hey, it’s Blanche from the Golden Girls! Lots of backstage nonsense, flashbacks, previews and time-filling, before tonight’s lucky ten are announced as:
Ukraine
Croatia
Albania
Iceland
Georgia
Denmark
Sweden
Latvia
Turkey
Portugal
It sounds like there won’t be a British Entry in next years show - nor a German, Irish, French etc ……. It appears Northern Europe may leave Eastern Europe to go it alone (if they can afford too!!!). I must admit that although there has been political voting in the past, it has never seriously affected the voting, but now it does!!!
Oh well - I voted for the knitting brides - cos they made me laugh!!!
Hit the submit button twice again - I really need to get less impatient.
Voted for the Lativian pirates and for Denmark ‘All night long’
Even I am getting fed up with the voting, but so long as it is not rigged and that is genuine then what can the EBU do.
Other than splitting it up into North Europe and Former USSR states!! I think the standard has gone up as well, which is a good thing, but at the cost of a lot of the entries being very similar. I am sure this is being looked at as we speak! I think it maybe is time for Terry to move on though. (much as I’ve enjoyed his commentary over the years).
Finally got round to typing up my commentary:
And so on Saturday night we pour the wine, open the snacks and settle down for a night of Euro-mayhem. We begin with last year’s winner, who still looks like a middle-aged female Harry Potter to me. She does an uptempo version of last year’s ballad, backed by dancers dressed half in dresses and half in suits. She also has a female bride. Is this ‘Harriet Potter and the Civil Partnership Ceremony’ perhaps?
The set apparently represents the two rivers running through Belgrade, hence tonight’s title ‘A Confluence of Sound’. I still think it’s a giant tongue scraper, but what do I know? Oh, the hosts are back! And they’re flirting (and shouting) from the outset. They’re knocking back the booze already, and so am I. And so we begin …
Romania: dull duet which sounds like the end titles of a blockbuster film. It certainly induces a desire to head for the door in our house.
UK: hey Andy’s ditched the green shirt and borrowed one of Scooch’s glitzy blue air crew blazers! He’s giving it his all and it certainly wakes up the hall after the last number, but I fear it won’t do us any good.
Albania: she’s dressed in a ridiculous jacket, and going for the ethnic factor (if by ‘ethnic’ you mean ‘wailing slightly off key’).
Germany: the song begins ‘Everything’s been off since you went away’. Apparently this includes their harmonies, as they are incredibly out of tune. The girls try to be the new Sugababes (Zuckerbabes?), but they leave a nasty taste in the mouth.
We’re now joined by a Serbian basketball legend. He says it’s nice to see Europe in the same place. I didn’t know it had moved!
Armenia: more ethnic wailing, this time with a shorter skirt. She’s singing ‘Kelly Kelly’ but it’s less Gene Kelly, more Lorraine Kelly, I feel.
Bosnia-Herzegovina: a weird couple of toys run round a washing line in front of four knitting brides. Oh, look it up on YouTube, I can’t be any dafter than this.
Israel: earnest young man called Boaz, singing a Pop Idol ballad. He’s backed by what seem to be an Israeli boyband, whom I think of as ‘Oyzone’.
Finland: metal screamers with glistening pecs and long blond hair. Singing something about men riding forth, apparently. Draw your own conclusions.
Croatia: splendidly bonkers; a bunch of old men in sharp suits complete with hats. Includes a 75-year old rapper who’s called ’75 Cent’. Meanwhile a young girl dances the tango but fails to attract their attention.
Poland: ah, the Lady of the Lake is back. And she still has the most enormous teeth. Boring ballad. Next!
Iceland: If Kylie and Jason had ever gone to Ibiza, they would look and sound just like these two fresh-faced youngsters. Classic Euro-cheesy disco.
Turkey: guys in black leather with silver sparkly guitars. The lead singer stares intensely into the camera, but he does occasionally crack a smile. Which is more than I do.
Portugal: imagine Kelly Osbourne in a sari, with a chorus of Greek gods. It’s all very dramatic, and the audience sway in time.
Latvia: yay, the pirates are back! The lead singer looks like Tim Curry, and the female lead is a real treasure, complete with impressive chest. The song is a joyously silly romp with lots of hi hi ho’s to join in. If you’re on holiday in Europe this summer, chances are you’ll hear this.
More follows …
Part 2!
Sweden: Charlotte was a winner a few years back, in her pre-Botox days. This time her silver dress moves more than her face. Classic 80s thumper that sounds like a Gilette advert.
Denmark: he looks like a butcher’s boy from Oliver. The braces! The hat! The song is a feelgood football chant with a catchy chorus. The audience are joining in and so am I, thanks to that third glass of wine.
Georgia: earnestly dramatic, with robotics and smoke. A big white sheet comes over them resulting in an impressive quick change from black to white.
Ukraine: another silver dress, even shorter this time. The boys are trapped in a light box, which the singer later climbs on. I think the boys’ dance steps are pinched from ‘Luck Be A Lady’ for no apparent reason.
France: he’s a big hairy guy in dark glasses. And oh look, all the backing singers have beards and shades too, even the women. What a laugh. Shame the lyrics are inaudible, since apparently he took the controversial step of singing in English.
Azerbaijan: a castrato angel, a rock devil, and a screaming battle for the earth. Or something. Gloriously camp, anyway. It’s their first ever entry, and they seem to have got the idea.
Greece: well, this is what they do. Ethnic instruments and a cute blonde Britney-clone; a quick change early on into the sparkly jewelled dress. She sings ‘I’m not easy but I’m true’. I think the jury is out on both counts.
Spain: a bloke in a Jimmy Hill wig and glasses plays a Fisher-Price guitar, and some girls break into various dance steps. Apparently this is a parody of recent dance crazes. Spain really don’t want to win, do they? At one point the girls try to crucify the singer. I’m suffering from a similar compulsion myself.
Serbia: very arty, all pipes and violins and anthemic singing. The contest may be a ‘Confluence of Sound’ but their outfits are merely a confluence of grey. Reminds me oddly of the new John Lewis adverts.
Russia: the singer is on his knees, so is the violinist, and by now so am I. They bring out the world champion figure skater to flail around on a tiny patch of ice. Hey, he looks a bit like Dustin the Turkey. You don’t suppose …?
Norway: brassy blonde sings a vaguely 60s-influenced number, backed by 3 girls from the Norwegian Cloning Experiment. I think she wants to be Duffy, but she’s just duff.
OK, so now we have some wittering from the hosts about music and friendship. What do either of those have to do with tonight? The interval act is the world’s most boring wedding band.
As for the voting, you know the worst. San Marino gave us 6. Now we really must find out where they are! Ireland gave us 8. Funny how we don’t mind best mates voting for each other when it’s our best mate. Russia romped home, largely because of all the little countries who don’t dare to deny it their 12 points. The UK comes joint last with Poland and Germany, but the rules say that in the event of a tie, positions are decided by which country got the individual highest mark. This means we are well and truly last. Oh well, next year in Moscow.
Thanks Gill - fantastic commentary as ever! I missed it this year sadly so am glad to have caught up now! Sounds like it was a good one! 
I laughed so much that my flatmate in the room next door came in to find out why!!! Thanks Gill!
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Gill are you sure the hosts were drinking alcohol - Terry mumbled something about not being able to get any alcohol for love or money and that he had sneaked some in - isn’t serbia a muslim country??? I know it sounds totally implausable that the hosts would behave in such outlandish ways without being almost totally plastered .. but …..
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I agree with you on the best mates thing!!! I’d be perfectly happy if we’d been Russia!! But our best mates weren’t best mates enough to give us a 12!!
They started by raising glasses, but I don’t know what was in them.
Otherwise I am really concerned about their sanity!!!
In our house we watch the whole thing recorded which gives you the advantage of being able to FFWD through all the filler material and boring songs. My favourite was Croatia, the old guy ranting and raving while the other chap is singing was hilarious. It was also quite tuneful which is more than you could say for Andy Abrahams. Did anyone see the interview with him during the semi-final. I think he really believed that his song was in a class of 1 - he was right except that it was at the wrong end of the scale! Jax is right - Terry Wogan seemed really subdued at the end. The voting is an issue but a lot of our complaints are just sour grapes - really, when was the last time that the UK sent a non-mediocre entry? Perhaps they should hand over the selection process to Simon Cowell & company… Of the other songs, Bosnia has to be the worst ever, Ireland was not much better, and Azerbaijan’s “singing castrato” was something else. I thought the Russian winner was pretty good though the same contender sang a much better song when he was runner up to Lordi a couple of years ago (remember the ballet dancers climbing out of the piano?!)
I think he would make a good commentator as well!!
Yes, I must admit that the russian entry did stay with me and the English one - well it didn’t!!!
Drag the choice of person out for weeks and weeks and you might even get someone who can sing!! Does it have an age limit - cos the 12 year old who looks like she might win this years one would at least get us the “ah, cute little girl, we must vote for her” vote.
Shame we can’t teach the other countries the principle of voting for the underdog!!
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